Today is my Mother's birthday. She's no longer living. She's buried with my father at Willamette National Cemetary in Portland. I couldn't afford to drive up and take flowers this year. Her name is Irene Marie Ponikver Appelgren. She kept a clean house and was great on the piano. She was born and raised in Great Falls, Montana and went to a conservatory of music in Great Falls. She taught piano lessons in our home and could play almost anything. Her favorite music to play were the American standards from the 30's, 40's, and 50's. I love this music too.
I grew up as an only child. In the great effort to keep a clean house, my mother liked it best when I just stayed in my room and didn't mess everything up so I read or sewed or knitted. My parents and I went to church every Sunday to the Lutheran Church until the time when I was in college and my father stopped attending because he couldn't hear. After I visited the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. and saw the hatred that Martin Luther had for Jews, I haven't felt like I could be a Lutheran again.
My Mom used to tell me "love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe." She also told me that God was always watching me and could hear my every thought so I never worried about other people watching me in life. I always figured that since God saw everything and if I was very good that I would be protected. I figured God had it covered. I figured that God would intervene and help me. Now I'm beginning to question all this. I can't say I've never made mistakes in life. No one can say that but I've always tried very hard to be good. I've tried to be nice and kind to people no matter how I've been treated. I've tried to do what I felt was right and stand up for things that I believe in. My experience with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints soured me a bit on a lot of things. That ended in 2001 for me. I saw that people who go to church don't always live up to their beliefs, can be mean to others, and can betray without flinching. I've already talked about this in my blog so I won't go into it now. Remember my 3 minute screenplay that I included in my blog? Well, most of them were Mormons who represented Nemesis.
I see today people who go to church who have no problems with the idea of war and killing people. What's up with that? How can you go to church and then have such hatred in your heart for another group of people and want to kill them? How can people who go to church belong to hate groups like the KKK? How can people who go to church look down on anyone when they come out on church on Sunday and act as if they are better? How can people who go to church break the law during the week and commit crimes against others and not feel anything?
The last church I was attending was an Episcopal Church. I never really fit in though. The choir director didn't want me in choir. I asked one lady leader to visit me and call. She said, "I'll take that under advisement" with a mocking look.
I'm not sure there is a God out there anymore. There are homeless without shelter, children who are hungry, and millions without health care. Crimes go unpunished. Life isn't fair. Sometimes there is no justice. It is rare to find someone who is kind and nice, rather than the rule. I'm not sure what I think anymore. Church membership doesn't represent an example of the highest standard of behavior. I'm not interested in organized religion anymore.
I will do what I feel is right, act in a manner I feel represents my values, and be the best person I can be. I will try to act as a good example for my children and grandchildren. I will show respect to others, listen, be nice, and work hard at what is important to me. I will do the best I can every day. That's all I can do and when it's over, it's over.
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