Saving Face

I wonder how many sins are committed each day because of the need to save face and to appear to others as if innocent. Murders are sometimes committed because the murderer didn't want the individual to tell the truth or reveal evidence. All you have to do is read a few mysteries or watch them on television to see a common thread. Find a patzy and blame it on them. Cast suspicion on the one who could rat you out.

Respondant and classical conditioning in experimental psychology teaches that if you push someone down into the ground far enough and do it enough times, that individual will stop trying. That's the lesson of the rat mazes.

If I were rich, I would hire a detective to find out the truth about what has been happening to me the last few years. No one will tell me. I don't have any friends so that doesn't help. I see clues that things aren't right but because I have the need to be fair, ethical, and nice, I wait until I see the truth unfold. I believe that everything will turn out great in the end. I believe in God and that I am protected even though my path has been difficult.

I know that my house has been violated when we have been gone. I have found evidence of things that are missing that I KNOW should be there in a particular place. Once I found photos near the floor by a door when they had been in a drawer. Three cruise photo albums are missing. Some of my journals are missing. Other family photos are gone. Personal things that are important to me and some things that whoever has come in must have snatched for their wife as a gift. Once I called 911 about it to report a theft. No one did anything about it. I said that we have a security system and that the installer told me that there is an installer code that allows them to come into any home by bypassing the code chosen by the home owner. The officer said on the other end of the phone, "Oh, so that's how they do it." I figure this is no ordinary thief. It has to be something official but I want answers. I want to know why. I asked the undersheriff in an e-mail but she didn't answer. I haven't done anything wrong so I count that in the end the truth will win out. Isn't that what is supposed to happen?

It all started when I discovered that the people I worked with at DMV were skimming money from the car dealers and putting it in the safe. I let the cat out of the bag by telling a car dealer who had no idea that he had money coming back to him. Then my life was turned into a hell. I ended up with bleeding ulcers and almost died. I should have just changed jobs or reported what happened to authorities. Instead I reacted like a victim and trusted. Next came a doctor from hell who despite my protests gave me medication that I said I didn't need and didn't want but I trusted and I obeyed because he was a doctor. He said it was stress. He didn't try to help me. When my son died, he didn't even help me through the grieving process. He didn't even discuss it. Why?

Throughout it all I was home doing what I needed to do but I could have been more, doing more, creating more. I trusted and reacted like a victim.

When my son died I realized that maybe if I hadn't been taking the medication prescribed by the doctor, maybe I would have prevented my son's death. I read the book PROZAC BACKLASH and went off of the medication slowly by myself lowering the dosage slowly and carefully watching myself. I could have died but I had no one to help me. My husband didn't care at the time. My husband has been in control of our money all these years and didn't watch out for me financially so that's another way of saying he didn't care about me.

About this time I decided to leave my husband. He refused to keep distance from a woman who called daily and kept coming over. They left together alone at times. He said nothing was going on. It was too much so I decided to leave. He lied and said I was suicidal and put me on a mental ward to be watched. I decided I would consider it a vacation and I rested for a few days. I obeyed and trusted. No one bothered to ask me about MY story. I didn't want to leave my kids so I went back home on the condition that I wouldn't have to keep dealing with the other woman. I trusted again.

Then there was the next doctor who continued what the first doctor started. When I wrote my first article in a major magazine, BIRDS AND BLOOMS, I thought it was finally proof that I was right and that he would be happy for me. I thought he would say that he was wrong and that he would help right the tragic wrong I had endured. Instead, he protended he wasn't my doctor and distanced himself from me. Easier to cast suspicion on the patient than to say "I'm sorry and that I made a mistake." I've never taken medication that wasn't prescribed by a doctor.

I've reacted through most of my life as a victim. When I did have the courage to speak out, I was cut off at the knees and lost everything or no one would believe me. We bought property in Gates. Our deed was rerecorded. There was problems with the property. The builders tried to put too many houses on the hill when the natural water was too close to the surface causing a runoff that damaged property in lower areas. We couldn't sell it. We didn't want to lie. We walked away from it and gave it back to the bank. Two lawyers were there to take what we had left in our savings account. Another attorney said later that we didn't receive proper representation.

We did have money at different times in our life because of two major law suits that my husband won but he didn't take care of the money.

I know there were a lot of crooked things going on in Gates. We lived there for a couple of years. Les' friends told him. I was part of the City Council for a short time and I witnessed an illegal meeting take place. I questioned it and because I wouldn't sign the document saying that I was also guilty, my name is still in question. Why, when I was one the one who questioned whether the meeting was legal and wanted to see proof in writing?

Over and over situations come up like the guys who stole the money in the safe. They say I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, like the soldiers coming home from war. Yes I have been through lots of trauma and loss. I think the cure is to create lots of new, happy memories and create new neuron pathways in the brain. It doesn't help when family doesn't want you living next door, you have no friends, church family or support system, and no money in the bank. So I find my own fun, my own joy, no matter how short or fleeting.

I could write a book about all the crap that has happened to me. Why can't I just get this cleared up and move on? Why does there have to be persistent roadblocks put in my way? I have a right to win and I have a right to flourish. This is the home of the brave and land of the free. Isn't it? It isn't right that people have come into my home and take things without my permission to make me feel off balance. It isn't right that I don't receive all the mail that I should receive. It isn't right that my reputation has been questioned when I haven't done anything wrong. How do you defend yourself against shunning, looks, questioning your ethics, and on and on when no one comes right out and says what you've done and who is the accuser? This isn't how it is supposed to be in the United States? Or have we lost all our freedoms already?

I must have an invisible sign on my forehead that says chump or sucker so that people feel they can do anything and blame it on Wendy. This needs to stop. I need to take my life in my own hands and not allow people to hurt me or blame me for things I haven't done. I need to learn how to protect myself better.

I have a right to exist.
I have a right to live in a home where no one trespasses and takes my possessions.
I have a right to not have my mail tampered with.
I have a right to an opinion.
I have a right to protect myself by standing up for myself and telling the truth.
I have a right to live in peace.
I have a right to have medical care from a smart doctor who cares about me.

I had the nicest general doctor several years ago who cared about me until something happened that changed her mind. What? After a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints found out where I was receiving free medical care and that I liked my doctor, all of a sudden her attitude completely changed. She didn't like me anymore. Cooincidence? I don't think so. Too many opportunities have suddenly had a wall put up when leaders of this church find out where I send my writing or try to create an opportunity for myself. The last time I was at this hospital, I had a mamogram over a year and a half ago. I questioned what happened in my mind. I nicknamed the woman the Savage Squisher in my journal who gave me a dose of radiation that lasted almost two minutes. Was she TRYING to make sure cancer would come back? Again I smiled and acted like nothing was wrong, just like a victim.

I've been accused of many things or at least people have hinted that I've done things. I've never taken illegal drugs. I'm not a lesbian. I've never done anything against the law. I'm honest. I'm not lazy. I have never cheated on my husband. I'm not stupid. I have a genius IQ, for Pete's sake! I'm not crazy. I don't see things that aren't there. I'm a nice person who has been kind even to those who have been cruel, mean, and nasty to me. In fact, I've taken it as a personal challenge to be kind to those who have caused me harm. Isn't that the lesson of Jesus? I've forgiven over and over. I'm a royal nice person and I deserve to be happy. I believe that it is important to be kind to people--all people, to not judge. I try hard every day to do my best. I want people to use their words and to tell me what they mean, instead of trying to manipulate me into doing things they want. I don't like tricks or manipulation.

Will I be murdered or legally silenced because I speak out against wrongs in this blog? Will my house burn down when I'm gone? I've been threatened in the past. We moved into the house that had an official inspection that said everything was perfect and yet nothing worked. It was staged. No heat. The well didn't work. Our house was an electrical wiring puzzle from hell. A water system that had been put in that required over 10 forty pounds of salt dumped in our drinking water every month. I thought something was wrong and I demanded that we change that. I bought drinking water from the store instead and I still do. Things are getting fixed slowly now after almost 6 years. My husband is nicer to me than ever before. He's been trying to fix things. He's doing his best.

My kids are all strong. I need to be strong too. I need to finally stand up for myself and say
THIS IS ENOUGH. I HAVE A RIGHT TO EXIST. I HAVE A RIGHT TO WIN TOO.

I want to be happy, have friends, dance, not have to worry about money, write best-sellers and fight for gifted kids, have dinner parties, see Broadway plays, art museums, the symphony. I want to be loved and cared about because I am nice. I am a survivor and I deserve to be happy too.